Who You Will Become Matters More Than Who You Have Been
Who You Will Become Matters More Than Who You Have Been
Our past does not define us. Who we become as we walk life's winding road is a story largely unwritten, a work of art waiting to be molded from the clay of today.
"Every day is a new beginning. Treat it that way. Stay away from what might have been, and look at what can be.” – Marsha Petrie Sue
We all have a past. A past filled with experiences that have shaped us into the person we are today. Some of those experiences bring joy when remembered. Others we wish we could forget. But one thing is certain—our past does not define us. Rather, it is who we choose to become that gives our life meaning and purpose.
As human beings, we are works in progress, continuously evolving. The person I was 5 years ago is different than who I am today. And the person I will be 5 years from now will likely look back on my current self as naive or unenlightened in some ways. But that is the beauty of life—the opportunity for endless renewal and growth. As long as we have breath in our lungs, we have the chance to learn, expand and progress into the best possible version of ourselves.
Our past certainly influences us. Events and circumstances leave their imprint on our psyche. Mistakes made often have lasting consequences. But the power lies in how we internalize those experiences. Do we let them drag us down with guilt, shame and regret? Or do we rise above them, using the wisdom gained to propel us forward? The choice is always ours.
I am not the same person I was in my youth. As a child and young adult, I was often reckless and short-sighted, focused on immediate pleasures rather than long-term fulfillment. There were times I acted selfishly, hurting those closest to me. I made choices that limited my potential out of fear or apathy. But through time and introspection, I have grown. Experiences—both positive and negative—have shaped me. Today I am more compassionate, responsible and purpose-driven. The foolishness and impulsiveness of youth no longer defines me.
But neither do the accomplishments of my past define me. Our achievements and victories, while important milestones, pale in comparison to our unwritten future. What matters most is not how far you have come, but where you are headed. Complacency is the enemy of progress. No matter how much you have achieved, you should never stop striving to be better. There are always new heights to scale. As long as you have breath, you have potential.
This is why our impending death is so tragic. To die is to cease becoming. It cuts short the beautiful process of growth and self-actualization. One day my life will end, and though I will leave behind a legacy, I will depart with so much unrealized potential. That is why I aim to live and grow vigorously while I’m able. My greatest fear is reaching the end and feeling I never fully became the person I could have been.
Sometimes we get so bogged down by what we have done or failed to do that we lose sight of who we can still become. Guilt over the past can be paralyzing. But you are not just the summation of your experiences thus far. You are a dynamic being with tremendous capacity for change and growth. The slate can never be fully wiped clean, but each new day presents opportunity for renewal.
Rather than getting mired in the past, look to the future. Envision the person you aim to become. Set goals. Chart a course. True progress often requires leaving behind old versions of yourself. Shed what no longer serves your growth. Nurture the qualities and virtues you hope to embody. Develop new skills, perspectives and habits. You have the power to mold your life’s clay however you desire.
“We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us.” – Joseph Campbell
Through conscious, purposeful living we can transcend our past. We can unshackle ourselves from former versions of self that restrict progress. Like a snake shedding dead skin, we can choose to leave behind guilt, grudges, negative thought patterns and limiting beliefs that tie us to old ways. We may not be able to rewrite the past, but we can decide who we become moving forward.
This takes daily discipline and perseverance. There will inevitably be setbacks and failures on the path of growth. But resilience is key. Don’t let temporary stumbling blocks deter you from your course. Keep your eyes fixed on the horizon of your potential. Maintain faith in your capacity to learn, evolve and become someone new. With tenacity and grit, the doors of self-actualization eventually swing open.
Of course, we cannot do it alone. Rebirth requires community and support. Surround yourself with those who believe in your potential and want the best for you. Let them nurture emerging aspects of your developing self. Be willing to seek and accept help from friends, family, mentors and professionals. By joining together and leaning into one another’s strengths, we ascend higher than any of us could alone. We become better versions of ourselves through companionship.
At times the path will seem daunting and the process of change too difficult. When those moments come, remember that the struggle is temporary but the rewards are eternal. Do not become discouraged. The only true failure is abandoning your aspirations for growth. As long as you keep laboring toward a better version of yourself, hope remains. Persevere and have faith in your capacity for renewal.
The person you will become is still largely unwritten. Your future is a blank canvas, ready to be painted in the colors of your choosing. Do not dwell too long on the past portrait, yellowed and frayed with age. The present easel stands waiting. Dip your brush into the paint of today and begin crafting your tomorrow. Be bold. Be courageous. Don't be afraid to create something new. For who you are becoming is so much more important than who you have been.
Counterperspectives on Growth and Change
While I believe our future potential matters more than our past, some take an opposing perspective. They view personality and character as largely fixed from childhood onward. In their view, we do not fundamentally change but simply become more amplified versions of our early selves.
The empiricist philosopher John Locke proposed the theory of tabula rasa, arguing we are born as a “blank slate” to be shaped solely by accumulated experiences. This environment-driven perspective leaves little room for self-directed growth.
Others point to studies showing core personality traits like intro/extroversion are well established early on and remain stable over decades. Our temperament may evolve gradually but it does not radically transform. We are constrained by innate dispositions and tendencies.
Additional research indicates pivotal life events do not generally change personality. People typically revert to their baseline temperament in the months after major life shakeups like winning the lottery or becoming paralyzed. This suggests we are not as malleable as we may think.
Genetics may also limit change. Behavioral genetics studies reveal personality is quite heritable. We inherit intrinsic qualities from parents that shape who we become. While environment matters, intrinsic biology seems to act as a boundary.
If personality and character are immutable, the focus on growth and self-actualization may be overstated. Perhaps rather than rebirthing ourselves, we should accept our basic nature and learn to work within it. Expecting radical change may set us up for frustration.
A Nuanced Perspective on Growth
However, most psychologists agree that personality is not 100% fixed and immutable. Rather, it is a dynamic interplay between heritable traits, early childhood experiences and adult choices. We have room to grow within the basic parameters of our personality.
For example, while temperament remains relatively stable in adulthood, traits like openness, emotional regulation and motivation are more malleable to intentional change. With concerted effort, we can develop these qualities over time.
Research on neuroplasticity also reveals the brain's ability to rewire itself through new learning and experiences even into old age. We are not just products of nature and nurture but active co-creators of our own development.
So while we have innate boundaries, with commitment and support we can effect meaningful change. Key is focusing on strengths we wish to enhance rather than attempting to completely alter our core personality. Small steps within our "growth zone" compound over time.
The optimal path seems to be accepting our basic nature while continually striving to become our best selves. By combining self-awareness, targeted goal setting and tenacious work ethic, we take advantage of our capacity for incremental growth. Progress may be gradual but is still within reach.
As the Roman poet Ovid wisely said, “Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you.” If we remain determined yet realistic in our self-improvement efforts, over years and decades we can evolve into new versions of ourselves that retain our essence yet become wiser, more mature and effective in the world. Who we become is a choice within the bounds of who we inherently are.
Expanding Knowledge and Skills
Targeted education, training and skills development allows us to actualize latent talents and potentials, playing a vital role in positive transformation. As we gain expertise, our self-concept evolves. Learning foreign languages, musical instruments or technical skills literally changes neural pathways, enriching our inner world. We see life through an expanded lens.
Higher education specifically enhances cognitive and social capacities. The questioning, reasoning and communication skills developed in college promote intellectual and emotional maturity. Education level correlates strongly with increased openness to new ideas and people.
Beyond formal education, informal self-teaching also empowers growth. Thanks to the internet, we have unprecedented access to instructional resources. We can build knowledge in everything from photography to computer coding to mindfulness for free through guided tutorials and online courses.
Of course, learning alone is not enough. We must apply skills and education in real world settings to engrain them. But as the adage goes, knowledge is power. Expanding our competencies expands the realm of who we can become. The right skills can unlock our potential.
Cultivating Relationships
Developing strong relationships facilitates nearly every aspect of personal growth. Human beings thrive on interdependence and intimacy. We need loving support and mutual understanding to thrive.
Close family bonds provide the secure base that allows exploration and risk taking required for self-discovery. Warm parents and siblings give us the courage to chart new paths, knowing we have an emotional safe haven.
Friendships challenge stagnation by exposing us to new perspectives, ideas and experiences outside our comfort zone. Peer relationships shape our identity and nurture emerging skills and talents. Shared activities such as joining a recreational sports team, taking a dance class, or volunteering together for a cause can catalyze mutual growth and bonding.
As Anaïs Nin wrote, “Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.” Friends draw out latent potentials within us.
Romantic relationships demand compromise, vulnerability and sacrifice — all vital for maturation. Partners model desired qualities and hold a mirror to blind spots, nudging us to grow. Working through conflict productively strengthens the relationship while refining our communication and emotional skills.
Mentors instruct and advise, guiding us through obstacles. They share wisdom and lessons learned to shortcut our own trial-and-error. Role models inspire fresh possibilities and directions. We absorb not just their knowledge but their attitudes and mindsets.
Connecting with people from diverse backgrounds expands our perspective. Exposure to different worldviews compels self-examination and adaptation. Novelty sparks growth.
In short, relationships make us better. Through empathy, trust, patience, insight and interdependence we actualize the best versions of ourselves. None of us can reach our highest potential alone. We grow through community.
"Relationships are like a garden. They need consistent care and nurturing to bloom and flourish."
The Paradoxes of Change
Growth is often paradoxical. We must look back to move forward. By exploring the past, we better understand the present. Reflecting on former versions of self helps us disidentify from them and choose values aligned with our highest purpose.
Yet too much rumination keeps us stuck. We can become so focused on self-analysis that we fail to act. The psychotherapist Carl Jung said, “Knowledge rests not upon truths alone, but upon the nature of our attitude toward them.” Wisdom emerges from mindful living more than intellectual study.
Similarly, we must honor the past without letting it overshadow the future. Cherished memories and hard lessons anchor us. But nostalgia and attachment to “glory days” breeds stagnation. Imbalance either direction impedes progress.
Embracing ambiguity and contradictions propels growth. We must be determined yet open, focused yet flexible, routine yet experimental. By blending past and future, constancy and change, we remain balanced on the razors edge of becoming.
Ultimately our identity is both continuous and ever-changing. We are the river — transforming yet still recognizably “us” as we flow. Growth arises from synthesizing old and new. The right combination unlocks our potential.
Socioeconomic Factors Impacting Growth
While personal choices and attitudes are central to growth, we do not live in a vacuum. Broader social and institutional factors profoundly impact our capacity for self-actualization.
Access to quality education hugely enables or hinders potential. The wealthy can afford the best schools and tutoring to maximize opportunities. The poor often lack fundamentals, narrowing options. Disparities stack the deck.
Economic stability provides a foundation for risk taking and goal pursuit. Those struggling to make ends meet have less bandwidth to focus on higher goals. Unmet basic needs dominate attention. Financial privilege affords freedom to actualize ambitions.
Networks and connections passed down generationally open doors. The contacts and name recognition afforded to those born into prominent families provide social capital and career advantages not accessible to all. Nepotism thrives.
Discrimination based on gender, race, sexual orientation and other identities erects systemic barriers to advancement. Marginalized groups face diminished prospects and must work harder to prove themselves. Unjust social hierarchies restrict mobility.
Inequality of opportunity objectively constrains possibilities. Self-determination can only go so far against institutional headwinds. Those born into disadvantage face steeper climbs towards self-actualization.
However, total social determinism discounts resiliency. While affected by conditions, we are not defined by them. Hope should not be abandoned, only tempered by realism. Within unjust systems, some still manage to transcend limitations. Though progress requires acknowledging privilege and dismantling barriers.
Internalized Limitations
Beyond external forces, our own beliefs and assumptions often restrict us. We absorb cultural messages that shape our sense of possibility.
Gender roles dictate acceptable qualities and pursuits for men and women. Those who transgress boundaries face stigma. Rigid gender stereotypes constrain identities and direction.
Racial prejudices foster a sense of inferiority and self-doubt. Internalized racism sabotages ambition and undermines self-efficacy. Without counter-messaging, potential goes untapped.
Disempowering narratives like, “someone like me could never...” sink roots if unchallenged. We unconsciously self-limit according to social scripts. Preconceptions about class, age, disabilities etc. lower the ceiling.
Imposter syndrome plagues even the accomplished, as underlying doubts dismiss achievements as luck rather than merit. Perceived fraudulence creates pressure to conform to expectations.
By expanding awareness, we can loosen the grip of these mental shackles. If inequalities are named and confronted, their control over identity diminishes. Liberation begins within.
Of course, systems must change in tandem with mindsets. Individuals alone cannot dismantle decades of social bias and barriers. But internal and external transformation go hand in hand, each enabling the other in virtuous cycle.
With support, those disadvantaged develop resilience against constraints, gain access to opportunities and resources needed for growth. When united, we hold infinite potential.
The Growing Self
True growth involves expansion of consciousness and perspective. It is less about adding accomplishments and more about increasing self-awareness, connection to a purpose larger than the self, and service to others. External and internal development go hand in hand.
Rather than seeking to dominate our lives, we must learn to act in harmony with self, community and nature. Adaptability, compassion and wisdom characterize the mature soul, not wealth, fame and power.
Lasting fulfillment stems from alignment with our authentic selves. As Carl Jung put it, "The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are." In growing, we do not shed our nature but fully inhabit it.
By living intentionally and with presence, each day offers chances for incremental growth. Like a sculptor chipping away flaws in marble, we shape ourselves through choices. Small acts of courage add up.
Of course progress fluctuates. There are fallow periods of rest and consolidation between creative bursts. Seasons come and go. What matters is the overall trajectory as we blossom in our unique way.
There is no perfect end state, only the journey. We do not "arrive" but simply continue growing as long as we live. Our canvas remains eternally unfinished. We enjoy the process of becoming.
At the end, may we have no regrets, knowing we took risks, loved boldly, stretched to meet life’s challenges and left a legacy true to our highest values. For in so doing, we grow into the best version of ourself - which is all we can ask.
The Growing Soul
How do we live a life that facilitates growth and actualization? Here are some guiding principles:
Cultivate self-awareness. Explore your inner landscape through practices like journaling, therapy and meditation. Understand your unique talents, values and purpose.
Set clear yet flexible goals. A vision provides direction while allowing for discovery. Plans keep us focused amid detours.
Surround yourself with supportive community. We blossom in nourishing environments. Mutual growth arises through friendship.
Immerse in new experiences. Seek challenges that promote strength and wisdom. Stay curious. Never stop learning.
Practice gratitude and optimism. Appreciate blessings and maintain hope during hard times. A positive lens illuminates potential.
Take purposeful action. Growth arises through doing. Small consistent steps lead to transformation.
Navigate difficulties with resilience. Hardships cultivate fortitude and unlock reserves of courage.
Live authentically and serve others. Express your gifts to make a difference. Purpose fuels passion.
The journey has no finale. There are only peaks and valleys on the eternal mountain we climb. At life’s end we can rest, knowing the heights we scaled and depths we explored while always moving upward in spirit.