Why We Feel Worse About Being Called Out Than Making Mistakes
Why We Feel Worse About Being Called Out Than Making Mistakes
That sinking feeling when someone points out an error we've made - it's universal. Even minor criticism can leave us feeling far more ashamed than if we had simply reflected on the mistake ourselves. But why does being called out trigger such intense pangs of defensiveness and hurt?
Our Egos Get Bruised
At our core, most of us share a fundamental need for competence and esteem. We build our identities around being intelligent, skilled people. So when flaws get pointed out, it threatens our egos and self-image. We immediately feel embarrassed and foolish - even if the critique is delivered kindly.
This reaction stems from our hierarchy of needs. As author Simon Sinek describes, all humans share basic drives - starting with physical safety and building to higher motivations like status and self-esteem. When our egos are bruised, it’s because our sense of competence feels jeopardized.
For instance, imagine your boss points out some minor errors in a presentation. Logically no big deal, but emotionally you feel a wave of self-doubt and worry what they now think of your abilities. Your inner critic says, "You're so incompetent!" This comes from the ego's core need to maintain status and avoid failure.
With self-awareness, we can notice ego reactions and respond thoughtfully. One misstep doesn't undermine your worth. Everyone slips up sometimes. How gracefully you accept feedback reveals far more about you than the original mistake. Breathe through the sting and keep perspective.
We Fear Harsh Judgment
Criticism also hurts because we tend to assume others will judge us harshly. When flaws get exposed, we envision people thinking far worse of us than the situation warrants.
For instance, say a colleague notices a small error in your work. They casually point it out, no big deal. But your inner voice panics: "Now they think I'm completely incompetent and unskilled!" In reality, people are much more understanding than our anxious brain suggests.
This tendency stems from unhelpful thinking patterns like:
Black-and-white thinking: One mistake means total failure.
Overgeneralization: A slip-up in one area means I’m bad at everything.
Fortune-telling: I just know they think I’m an idiot now.
Of course, people rarely have such extreme reactions to minor miscues. But these distortions exacerbate our fears over criticism. Intentionally inject nuance into your thinking when feedback stings. Ask yourself, “Realistically, how harshly are people judging this?” The truth is likely not as dire as it first seems.
It Threatens Our Competence
Criticism also hurts when it makes us doubt our abilities and qualifications. For instance, being corrected publicly at work can undermine our professional competence. Having flaws exposed in front of colleagues can spur insecure thoughts like:
Do my coworkers think I’m capable of doing this job well?
Does my boss regret hiring me?
Am I really qualified to be in this role?
Most of us draw deep self-esteem from our careers. When competence feels threatened at work, it’s especially rattling. We’ve invested so much effort into building skills and adding value. Criticism makes us worry all that progress has been erased.
For example, if the CEO challenges your expertise in a company-wide meeting, you may start questioning if you deserve your high-level role at all. Self-doubt creeps in and imposter syndrome flares up.
When this happens, redirect your focus to learning rather than feeling embarrassed. Successful leaders embrace criticism to fuel growth, not undermine confidence. Use feedback to strengthen your abilities rather than evidence you don’t have what it takes.
It Feels Like a Personal Attack
Additionally, constructive criticism often feels more painful than self-reflection because we perceive it as a personal attack. Our brains tend to put any critique through an "is this a threat to me?" filter first. Even well-intended feedback can feel like a deliberate insult or rejection.
For instance, your partner might gently say, "Can you please not leave dishes in the sink?" But you hear, "You're so lazy and inconsiderate! I can't stand living with you!"
This tendency comes from our deep-seated negativity bias. The brain rapidly focuses on negative experiences, dwelling on them far more than positive ones. It helped early humans quickly identify threats, but today it makes us view neutral criticism as a character assassination.
To overcome this, watch for unhelpful thinking patterns when receiving feedback. Reframe critiques as informational rather than critical. Extract any usefulness to apply going forward. With consistent effort, retraining our brains is possible. But it takes patience and self-compassion.
The Power of Mindset
At its core, how criticism lands has everything to do with our mindset. When flaws get pointed out, we have a split-second choice:
Will we let our egos feel threatened and assume the worst about others’ judgments?
Or can we check those initial reactions and focus on learning?
With self-awareness, we can notice ego bruising and shift our mindset. Recognize criticism as neutral information, not a reflection of your identity. Keep in mind problems can always improve - they don't diminish your humanity. Actively look for constructive insights, even in discouraging feedback.
According to psychologist Carol Dweck, mindset has a major impact on handling criticism. People with a fixed mindset believe abilities can't be developed much. So criticism threatens their permanent competence. But people with a growth mindset believe talents can be continually improved through effort. For them, feedback becomes fuel for advancement.
By cultivating a growth mindset, we extract wisdom from critiques to expand our skills. The Japanese concept of kaizen revolves around steady progress through incremental gains. Constructive criticism helps illuminate the next small step forward on our endless journey toward excellence.
Strategies to Respond Gracefully
When criticism arises, try these strategies to respond productively:
Press pause. Resist responding right away. Give yourself space to process feedback thoughtfully.
Consider the source. Does this come from someone you respect? Or could toxicity be at play?
Get curious. Rather than getting defensive, ask clarifying questions to understand it fully.
Say thanks. Express gratitude for their time and care. This shifts criticism from an attack to a gift.
Mine for insights. However delivered, extract anything useful and apply it going forward.
Keep perspective. How significant is this issue in the grand scheme? Stay focused on your values.
Remember your worth. Mistakes don't define you. You are human.
Be patient. It takes time to change habitual reactions to criticism. Self-compassion is essential.
With consistent practice, we can rewire our brains to respond productively to feedback. By building resilience and a learning mindset, constructive criticism becomes rocket fuel for growth.
Reframing Correction as a Catalyst for Improvement
Feedback on our mistakes often stings. Our instinct is usually to feel ashamed or get defensive when flaws are pointed out. However, we have the power to reframe these moments as opportunities for expansion. By managing our reactions with wisdom and poise, criticism becomes the catalyst to elevate our skills and character.
With consistent effort, we can train ourselves to handle critiques and corrections as gifts rather than threats. Each time our oversights get spotlighted, it reveals areas where our thinking and abilities need an upgrade. Rather than undermining our confidence, feedback illuminates where we still have room to learn.
The initial embarrassment and hurt when someone calls out our errors starts to transform into courage to listen, learn, and keep improving. Constructive criticism, while difficult to hear, contains the wisdom we need to refine our craft and conduct.
By adopting a growth mindset, flaws pointed out become launchpads to greater self-awareness and achievement. We come to see critiques not as attacks, but as the foundation for fulfilling our greatest potential.